… Life without God catching up to me

 

Living my life without God in it was catching up to me.  Again.  A few years ago, I started getting angry over the littlest things.  Everything was good, though.  Wife… good.  House… check.  Finances… in order.  Job…. Good.  Why was I getting so angry over little things?  My life wasn’t perfect though – no one’s life is.  In-laws and children – UNCHECK! Lol  But overall, I had no reason for becoming angrier and angrier.  This time I was gracious and loving enough not to take it out on my wife or family unlike in the past.  But wow… dropping a bolt on the floor and turning it into a complete tirade… what the heck!  If anyone could see that, I would be mortified.  

 

I was just lurching into a darker and darker place, and I didn’t understand why.

 

 

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LET THE 18 MONTHS BEGIN!

 

Turning point, God’s voice

 

About 1 ½ years ago, I had launched into another self-induced tirade.  Deeply angry.  Seeing black without actually seeing black.  If I recall correctly, I had to get back into the car to pick something up from the store that I forgot (probably Home Depot).  I was FUMING!  I got in the car, pedal-to-the-metal in my Hyundai (lol), and I came to a stop.  There, I broke out screaming as loud as I could, cussing and smashing my fists into the steering wheel.  I began bawling.  I was sobbing like a little kid.  WHY was I so angry?  Finally, I gave in and told God that I would follow Him.  I made a “commitment” at that moment to follow Him – remembering the relative tranquility I had in my life when I was with Him.  THIS TIME I “meant it”!

 

And follow Him I did!  Immediate!  Bible study – parallel gospels study it was this time.  Praying.  Reading my bible.  Sermons on TV.    It was great!  Sound familiar?  It should, because that is exactly what I did in the years past when I was angry and reaching out to God.  And, it ended exactly the same.  Slowly, I would allow God to fade out of my life.  I think I might have lasted a month as a “good Christian” before I started forgetting about Him a little more day by day.

 

Back to square one.  No God in my life.  Doing it my own way.  Laziness in following Him.  Looking back now, I realized that I would enter into these “commitments” to God with fervency and renewed commitment for Him, but as days or moments would go by, I would naturally let Him down (I am a sinner).  But I held myself accountable and ashamed – “How could I say I love God and go a whole week without even reading the bible or praying?  I must not be a Christian.  I must be fake.  And God must be deeply disappointed in me.”  So, as always, I broke all ties with God.  AGAIN.

 

But God wasn’t done with me!  As a matter of fact, God wasn’t done with me for a very very long time!

 

Remember that rage incident where I was at a stop sign and beating my steering wheel?  That same kind of scenario replayed again.  I was feeling absolute fury and rage again while I was driving in my car.  Again, at a stop, I sat.  Then it hit me.  “What am I going to do now?”  I had just previously went through a time where “I MEANT IT” when I committed to Him and then failed miserably in following Him thereafter.  Now what?  What am I going to do now? 

 

I was completely numb.  I can’t explain it.  I felt a deep void and was coming to the realization that I was doomed.  I didn’t even know what to feel or how to feel.  I sat there and everything was silent.  I am kind of clinically deaf lol, but there was a silence that was different.  Then God spoke to me!  He said, LOUD and CLEAR, “Now you know why I came and did what I did.”

 

Immediately.  IMMEDIATLEY!  I KNEW what His message was!  “Chris – you are screwed up!  You always will be!  You can’t fix it.  You never will.  You can’t make a commitment to Me!  Your NATURE is to fail.  And this WHOLE TIME you have been trying and failing, I have just been here loving you this whole time!”

 

I feel so silly.  Honestly I do.  THAT is “Christianity 101”.  Maybe I should have payed closer attention to Sister Audrey and Sister Theresa when I went to church lol

 

I realized that I was loved no matter how I performed.  I realized that I was FREE (FREE!) to fail and still be loved!  I realized that my salvation – my assurance of being His child and my spot in heaven – was SOLID!

 

The word’s “Free Gift” of God took on a whole new meaning.  A meaning I never grasped before.

 

On a sidenote – it was kind of cool hearing God’s voice like that.  I remember the Holy Spirit would remind me of bible verses, and God would steer my thoughts toward the spiritual realm and away from the world view.  But the way He spoke to me this time was supernatural.  I believe the silence and desperation I was in opened the door for Him to speak to me so clearly. 

 

Following God out of gratefulness and God’s revealing to Nitya.

 

I shared this event with Nitya.  She immediately recognized there was a change in me. 

 

Bible study, praying, watching sermons on tv… yep!  It was great too, and this time, I didn’t fall away from God if I failed in something here or there.  I could go right back to Him, forgiven and with no shame! Nitya, seeing these changes in me was moved so she was more than open to watching sermons on tv with me and discussing things of Christianity.  I could see the general and honest interest in her.  Nitya was learning about Jesus.

 

We found out about a series called the Chosen which covers Jesus life when He was here.  We started watching.  Very quickly, it turned into Nitya requesting, “Can we watch the next episode?”.  And watch we did!  Many times as I was watching I was choking up, sometimes turning my head to the side because I didn’t want Nitya to see tears dripping down my cheeks.  But it was her too!  Glassy eyed much of the time and many times tears. 

 

One evening we were diving into The Chosen again, and the scene played out where Jesus approached the woman at the well in Samaria.  As we know, the interaction between Jesus and the woman was a powerful reminder of God’s grace.  As the scene played out, Nitya startled me.  She came half off the sofa, pointing to Jesus on the TV, and was loudly crying and saying. “That is my God!  That is my God!”  Remember – Nitya’s other religion recognized multiple gods.  This day, she identified ONE God!  In heaven, a large celebration took place – I know because God says so!  Nitya already understood the reality of Christianity and the difference between Christianity and all other religions (including Hinduism).  She accepted God’s free gift and to this very day, He IS the Lord of her life!!!

 

Church, It’s about time!

 

THIS TIME, I decided it is church time!   I knew what a spirit filled church emanated, so in my search for a church, I worked DILIGENLTY to make sure the church I chose was the right one.  Ok, that is a lie lol.  I went on Google, browsed some pictures of the 96 churches that exist in Visalia, and I came across a picture of a service where people were holding their hands up while worshipping.  Bam! – selected.  It was Radiant Church in Visalia.

 

We went, and I was pleased to see that it was a Spirit led church.  I could clearly see God was present in people’s lives there, so we stayed.  Everyone knew everyone it seemed like.  Everyone was smiling, laughing, hugging, praying!  It was very assuring to see.  Nitya and I started going every Sunday.  We stayed in second from back row because we were nervous to be around all of those people who knew each other.  Wall flowers we were.  How silly is that! Lol  And as soon as the Pastor finished the service… Zoom!  We were out of there!

 

We loved going.  We loved the pastor’s messages.  We loved the “vibe”, or should I say, the activity of the Holy Spirit.  We REALLY loved the worship – which brought Nitya to near sobbing tears as the very first song we heard there was played (“Fountains”).  I didn’t sob.  I just trickled a little lol

 

Celebration 2025?

 

One Sunday, sitting in the back of the church as always, we were watching church announcements at the beginning of the service.  Then an announcement for “Celebration 2025” appeared, and guess when and where it was?  Hume Lake on Memorial day weekend!  Nitya and I looked at each other and our jaws were wide open!  Recall that the last Memorial day we were THERE camping and partying!  The people that we were sitting in church with now were the same people that we walked through on Memorial Day the last year – partying and drinking! God, really?  Are you THAT real?  You are!

 

Nitya and I decided to come out of our shell, so we started out small.  We committed to going to Celebration 2025 (Hume Lake) on Memorial Day with the rest of the church.  We even volunteered to help at the merchandise stand.  Day one at the merchandise stand:  Meeting people from the church for the first time.  We worked and helped sell, but we were meeting all sorts of church members – our new brothers and sisters in Christ.  How cool is that!  During Celebration 2025, there were many events, including a men’s worship time and a separate women’s worship time.  For me, it was the first time I ever sat with a group of men and prayed – meaning I prayed too.  What is common to everyone at the church was a first time for me.  Scary, and freeing!!!!  To be able to voice praise for God in a small prayer group with my brothers – awesome!  Nitya went to the women’s worship service as well, where out of the blue, two beautiful women went straight to Nitya and took her under their wing.  And through them and others, we met more and more brothers and sisters that weekend. 

 

Of prominence, Nitya shared the story about how she was unsaved last year and how we were walking around this very same church group at Hume Lake last year partying and drinking alcohol.  She shared the “coincidence” that the church we would choose after we decided to start attending would be the same church!  Is this God paving the way for our lives, and doing so in His own absolutely CRAZY way?!  We believe so!  It seems like that word spread quickly as others felt the same way.  People we had never even met before were coming up and talking to us about it.   

 

A baptism was to occur at the lake.  Mary and Katie, having taken Nitya under their wing, were excited to ask both Nitya and I if we wanted to be baptized too.  I had already been baptized three decades earlier, but I said yes to doing it again because this time I truly understood that I was a child of God and that He never left me (I left Him).  We both said YES!  And, in front of (two hundred?  three hundred?) people – the same people we were walking past while intoxicated last year - we declared Jesus as our Lord and got dunked! (Thanks to David for not letting me drown!) 

 

It isn’t over!

 

As we were walking away from the baptism, Pastor Travis walked up and was chatting with us and pondered for a bit as he started to walk away, and then turned around and asked Nitya and I if we would be willing to give a testimony about our experience.  Speaking to hundreds of people on a personal level is something I (we) have never done before.  Ever.  But we were in such awe of God’s actions in our lives that of course we both agreed! 

 

That night I attempted over and over to create the outline for the testimony.  Nitya trusted me to lead on this so she bailed and snored (just a little) lol.  Hours trying to figure out the right language to deliver the message in such a way that it would reflect the sheer awe I was feeling in my life.  Remember… It wasn’t just God just that God spoke to me and bring me back to Him.  Nor was it just the coincidence of Hume Lake 2024 vs 2025.  God also revealed Himself to Nitya in such an impactful way that she became a born again believer and now I had a wife in Christ!  There was a lot of emotion and praise, and I wanted to get my message clear and right.  But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t nail it in a bullet point checklist.

 

Finally, I conceded and prayed to God.  I asked Him to give me the words during the testimony and I got rid of the paper. 

 

And GOD didn’t disappoint!  Standing in front of so many people whom we didn’t know yet but were part of our church and surrounding Radiant churches, I should have been nervous.  God gave both Nitya and I the words that He wanted said.  Special applause was given when I reminded everyone that the year before, we were probably walking right past our future paster with stiff drinks in our hands, and right past the people that would be watching us get baptized the next year.  I am telling you… God is so crazy (in a good way)!  This will not be the last time you hear me say that, either!

 

 Even now, people still remember that testimony.  God is so good! 

 

 

The Mountain, unforgiveness, and God showing his crazy self again!

 

Months later, I was invited to go to The Mountain with some of the men from church.  It is an organized event in which 12 men from the church go to a location up in the mountains and are taught and challenged to recognize and understand their identity in Christ and also deal with other personal issues that might be going on in their lives.  It was/is a deeply personal experience, led by other members of the church as they walked us through a series of events, tests and dialogue.  It was raw.  Very early on, the men knew that they could trust each other with deeply personal issues that would be brought up.  Each man opened up, and God opened doors to healing.

 

For me, a large part of the Mountain experience was coming down with a much much deeper understanding of who I was in Christ… things I had never heard before.  Authority I didn’t realize I had.  Understanding how tender our Father is.

 

I decided to present an issue I was dealing with to the group.  For the last few months, I was raising my hands in church as I sang to Jesus, but I was living with what felt like dark anger in my heart toward someone in my family.  A few months before the Mountain, a small incident happened that was THE straw that “broke the camel’s back”.  And leading up to the Mountain, I was seething! 

 

I don’t wish to share to much detail on the situation, so I will attempt to generalize.  For the last several years, someone in my family was simply unaccepting of me.  Their assault?  Ensuring that I knew that I didn’t exist and making it obvious.  Happy, loud and boisterously laughing with the rest of the family on holidays, etc., but only very minimal  communication with me and at times ill looks.  What very little communication there was directed my way was not meant to be personally connecting in any way.  Ever.  In my own home.  I was forced to accept it.  I couldn’t even fight with this person.  How can you fight with a person who basically doesn’t acknowledge your existence? What would I say?  Eight years this went on, and not one single fight in all of these years. 

 

To make matters worse, during this whole time I was an absolute jester.  I was bouncing around trying to be cool, trying to interject myself into conversations so that I could fit in and be recognized, doing nice things and giving in many ways all of the time, etc.  I never wavered either! If I were to place a tablet and pen in front of this person today and tell them to write anything that I have done against them, I am 100% confident that they would stare blankly at the paper and never write.  That is how confident I am that I acted well.  

 

I was THAT super cool guy, but deep down inside I knew I was just an embarrassed jester.  I wanted a relationship, but it was a wall.  It is humiliating thinking about it. In all of those years, there was not one single conversation that took place where this person showed even the slightest interest in me.  Sometimes they would have to acknowledge my existence to an extent because other family was relatively normal with me and it would be awkward if they didn’t.  But that is it.  It was an active ongoing duty of this person to make sure I was minimally recognized and not valued.  And as I continued to wholesomely give, I would always end up embarrassed and angry as I was reminded that this person rejected me – while staying in my home.

 

Then the slightest incident occurred that was the final straw for me.  It is simple, but impactful.  I simply said Hi to this person, and they looked at me, and looked away.  That was it. 

 

Done!  Jester no more!  I was finished!  Although I knew that I would not actively treat this person poorly, I had made the decision to stop going out of my way to give, be nice, and fit in with them.  I was going to treat them exactly as they have been treating me.  That is the MOST this person would ever get from me again.  If you could grasp how overly nice and giving I have been to this person on a day by day basis, you would understand this would be a massive change.  They would know… Chris is done giving.

 

For the next few months prior to the Mountain I stewed on this!  This person was living in my head and I was dealing with so much anger.  I couldn’t shake it.  And then to go to church and praise God?  This isn’t right!  But still, I couldn’t get rid of the bitterness.

 

Now I’m up in the Mountain.

 

I’m sitting in front of all of the men… my peers as attendees, and the staff supporting us.  I shared what I was going through.  I did my best to make them understand why I was so angry.  I told them that I was feeling hatred in my heart.  I reminded them that this wasn’t a “past event”, but an ongoing punch in the gut with no end of it in sight.  To top it off, this person would be in my home for the holidays when I came down from the mountain… for SIX weeks.

 

At that moment, Pastor Travis, one of the staff of the event, asked, “Chris, can I counsel you for a few seconds?”  I answered, “Yes”.  “Chris, that is murder.”  Dang.  I knew I read that somewhere in the bible too.

 

I conceded.  I told the men that I would forgive and, in my heart, that meant continuing to give as the way I was giving all these years.

 

I went to bed that night uncomfortable.  I had made a decision to forgive, and I would prove to myself and God that I was forgiving by continuing to be very decent and giving to this person.  In other words, I will prove to myself and God that I forgive by continuing to be a jester, even if this person still doesn’t acknowledge my existence.   Done deal.

 

The next day I had a significant amount of alone time out on the mountain.  The weather was perfect, nature was in full swing, and the silence… amazing.  I was writing a letter to God.  Something I needed to do.  Not about this situation, but just a letter in general.  I wrote the letter in the same manner that I pray.  I started out by praising Him over and over for a multitude of things.  I LOVE praising God!  He has been  SO SO good to me.  Then I progressed to commitments.  I committed to God to various things.  Basic things such as reading my bible more, etc.  Then I got to the part where I committed to forgive.  I started writing… “I forg”  and my writing stopped.  I couldn’t write any more.  I did NOT forgive.  I KNEW that I did not have the heart to forgive this person.  Once they started treating me like I didn't exist again - in my own home - I knew I would struggle and probably FAIL to forgive.  Logically making a decision to forgive and saying I forgive is one thing.  But my heart is what counts, and my heart was not there.  I couldn’t write.  I was frozen!

 

Remember that silence and numbness I felt just before God spoke to my heart when He loudly and clearly said, “Now you know why I came and did what I did.” ?  That same silence and numbness was back, and can you believe!!!!... God spoke to me AGAIN!  As CLEAR AS DAY, God said three words… “What about me?”

 

Immediately!  IMMEDIATLEY!  I knew what God was saying and meaning all in one instant!  It was just there, in my heart!  “What about me Chris?  Where am I at in all of this?  I understand that you are dealing with YOUR feelings, but what about Me?”  I realized at that point that my forgiveness was OBEDIENCE and WORSHIP to my God who had saved me!  Remember… I do love worshipping God!  Then the rest began flooding in, realizing how lucky I was to be born again knowing the gift I had received (eternal life in heaven) and the bullet that I dodged (eternal darkness away from God and love).  Combine that with the KNOWN knowledge that God absolutely LOVES and ADORES this person who has been causing me so much anger.

 

I walked from that place back to the men’s meeting area with such a weight lifted off of me.  I couldn’t wait to share this with the men, whom I could see were deeply affected by my testimony.  As I recall saying, “I can’t wait to get down from this mountain and hug this person!”  (even if the person wouldn’t hug me back lol) And I meant it!  I would worship God and forgive, serve and love, and do so with no requirement of receiving anything in return… not even needing even a “hi” back.

 

The next day at the camp, God graciously and through His Spirit opened even more doors regarding this, reminding me of some of the adversities this person had experienced in their own life growing up.   How could I have never taken this person’s past struggles into account?

 

All good, right?

 

No.  Even better. 

 

I came down from that mountain Sunday morning.  Went directly to church.  It was a beautiful day, a beautiful service and I was so proud and at peace standing next to the men who trusted me with their hearts.  It couldn’t get any better.

 

And then I got home.  And there that person was.  They look at me, and said… “Hi”.

 

And for the NEXT SIX WEEKS, without me mentioning ANYTHING about all of this anger, forgiveness, etc. etc., this person treated me like GOLD!  Better than gold!  Like… BFF’s!  She was a med student and for the first time in eight years was asking questions about my job (as a paramedic).  She was GENUINELY nice to me.  I have never seen her be so nice.  Get this… at one point, we were in my garage working on a project together as I taught her to use power tools… at her request! 

 

It was as if God allowed me to be in this years-long situation that would bring me to a place of hatred and unforgiveness so that he could show me the truth and necessity of forgiveness, – and then at the end of it all, THIS miraculous ending.  As if to say, “See Chris, I was in control all along.”  God and His ways… superb!

 

This lesson in forgiveness, as you will see, becomes even more paramount and the next life event unfolds.